Foothills Family Network: October 2007

Monday, October 15, 2007

New Website in Place of This Blog

Effective October 15th, please go to www.foothillsfamilynetwork.com for all information on Foothills Family Network...there is also Families Anonymous meeting dates, time & location.
Thanks and I'll see you over at the website!
Cindy

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Part 1 - The Concern

I begin this series by stating that this is my personal story, a local story, a nightmare for our family and perhaps familiar to some who will read it. I offer it only as a way to reach out to other families, I would not begin to tell any parent what to do, it is one perspective, but please read it with open eyes. For now, it is a story of heartache and hope. Heartache & Hope: A Family Journey The Concern He was born stubborn and strong willed with an intensity his older brother never had. That was our Ryan. As a toddler, I often worried what his teenage years would bring, he didn’t have fear for much which made me think his lack of caution could lead to risky behavior. Yet, I always said he was fully immersed in life with an incredible interest in nature and exploring. His dark brown eyes would sparkle with young-boy mischief and he had a sharp wit often only matched by adults! With half a degree in psychology, I would tell my husband that I had him pegged as a kid who could go either way, we must channel his energy in a good direction watching for signs that he could go down the wrong path. I didn’t want him to end up like my younger brother, a talented vibrant young man who had become addicted to drugs and alcohol as a young teen only to go to rehab multiple times and to this day is still fighting recovery. A wasted life that many years ago held so much promise. Our Ryan had a natural curiosity and at times seemed angry and dissatisfied with life and himself. I was not used to a child who didn’t want to talk about his feelings and problems, he was internalizing his pain and it when it came out, it was often in the form of anger. And what did he have to be so angry about we would ask? He lived with his two parents who loved him and each other; he had two great brothers; wonderful support of all his interests; lots of people who valued and nurtured his strengths. We worked hard to achieve financial security and as business owners, life was demanding yet focus was always on the family. As Ryan’s challenges increased so did his struggles. He had a hard time going from the familiar environment of elementary school to middle school. My gut told me he was not ready to make the move but he fought an alternative choice in favor of doing what his friends were doing. He graduated from middle school working far below his ability, with a few bumps in the road and a couple of “issues” on his school record. By 8th grade he had become cocky and a class clown, he was not showing his teachers the respect he had been taught by us nor did he seem to care much about doing well in school. Was this his attempt in establishing an identity that some kids thought was cool or was he floundering? I cried many times the summer before he started high school because I knew he was not going to be able to meet the requirements of organization, work ethic and independence. Again, he fought my ideas about alternative school or education and was most interested in going to school where his friends were. I didn’t go with my gut, I decided to see how he would manage at a large high school. His freshman year was mostly rocky and once sophomore year started, a major decline began. His interest in school was only there in empty verbal promises to try harder and as time marched on, our concern grew. What we didn’t realize was that his interest in drugs had taken hold of him and had become far more important than anyone or anything else in his life. Our concern turned to panic for his safety then the safety of his younger brother and us. We were a family under siege. Please feel free to contact Cindy via email at cintac@comcast.net

Part 2 - The Discovery

The Discovery I followed through the way I always said I would when I found drugs in my house in January 2006. I searched his room, called the police, I ordered drug tests. The random drug testing seemed to be a deterrent for a few months. He had clean tests and was basically grounded with no social privileges. In the summer however it became evident that Ryan was smoking pot in our house. Just the thought that he would disrespect our values, be such a poor example for our younger son with the risk of using matches and lighters late at night while we were sleeping, was an overwhelming worry. The drug testing continued but he wasn’t passing them. He dropped out of basketball and lost interest in being with the family. Looking back, we made the mistake of letting him leave the sport he loved so much and didn’t force him to do most things with us when he resisted. His presence at social events with family and/or friends had become painful, and not just “normal” teenage painful, stressfully miserable. It was always easier for him to not put effort out for others, often we gave in, he got his way and did not have to always accompany us. He was passing his class at summer school but he was causing his teacher grief by not taking it seriously. It was time to admit that things were not getting better and I had to ask for help. This was hard for me, I wanted to be the one to help my son, why couldn’t I have an effect on his behavior? I had a psychology background and the family history. It was extremely hard to admit, but I had to do what was right for Ryan. I had to accept the problem was beyond me. I had to get over worrying about what others would say about us as parents and him as a young person in this community. I remembered something I had heard many times from my husband, “we cannot control what others think or say about us, we can only control our own behavior”. So, I decided to reach out, stop blaming myself, got online, and started making phone calls. Ryan and I had several appointments with a psychologist who diagnosed him with anxiety and depression. It was explained to me that this could be the reason he was smoking so much pot, to cope with the demands of his life. It made sense to me, he wasn’t out with friends (to my knowledge) engaging in this behavior, he was in our house smoking it alone. The possibility that he was into pot for an escape rather than pure enjoyment was entirely possible. As the sessions progressed it became obvious to me that Ryan was aware that I had become more sympathetic to his difficulties, although we did not condone his use of pot, I tried to gain insight into what it was like being him. I also opened my mind up to accepting the psychologist’s recommendation that he start taking a prescription medication for anxiety/depression to help with his need to smoke pot. I was resistant but again, I had to open my mind, finding ways to help him feel like he could keep up with the responsibilities of a “typical” 15 year old in this community. In looking back, it seems that as the demands in his life increased, his ability to handle them decreased. He was lazy, didn’t identify with academics, dropped out of music in school and no longer had the confidence to try out for the school basketball team. His frustration, lack of an “identity” coupled with his natural curiosity may have sent him searching for an escape. Cindy James is a Folsom resident. Send questions or comments to: cintac@comcast.net

Part 3 - The Decline

Heartache & Hope: The Decline When Ryan started 10th grade I explored many roads to help him out. With the psychologist thinking most of his anxiety was due to school, I took him to private educational testing sessions to see if he had learning difficulties that could be pinpointed. After very unclear results, the only thing I found out was that he may have an information processing problem. He was now on medication for anxiety and a sleeping pill because of his inability to get to sleep. Ryan was at the family doctor many times following up on medication, to see if he felt any positive effects from the antidepressants. We all wanted “something” to work, it was hard not to be impatient, this type of medication often takes three weeks or more for the patient to feel better. Ryan was reporting that he didn’t feel much of a reduced level of anxiety on the medication. It was then recommended that we see a psychiatrist just in case he had Bipolar II disorder. This possibility opened up many new concerns including living with a disorder that could affect him for a lifetime. The psychiatrist took a grand total of ten minutes to diagnose him with Bipolar II disorder, then prescribed a mood disorder drug plus a new antidepressant and said “see you in a month.” Neither Ryan nor I were given any more information on the illness. I left that office knowing I would never be back with my son, grateful that I had some background in psychology and done research online about Bipolar II prior to the appointment. My gut was telling me that he didn’t have the disorder, he didn’t quite fit all the criterion for Bipolar II…and how could a doctor diagnose him after only a few minutes, not even interviewing me? Sure, I didn’t think he had Bipolar II, which some people now refer to as “the trendy diagnosis”, but what was going on? Now on three medications, he was warned about doing any illicit drugs not only because of danger but because it is difficult to gauge the effectiveness of medications that were supposed to be helping him. We waited to see positive changes but the only changes occurring were the ones that gave us great concern, wondering whose opinion to trust, what was wrong with him and where to look for guidance next. He gave up taking his medications stating that they made him feel slow and sleepy. I began drug testing him again and he failed, coming up positive for THC (marijuana). He was constantly irritated and hard to communicate with. I received calls from the high school about his behavior, getting caught leaving campus during the school day and then with cigarettes. He was suspended and we were grateful for the “hard line” taken by the school. We had a meeting with his counselor, teachers and administrators about his academic decline and the poor choices he was making. They were completely supportive and anxious to help Ryan in any way they could. We were surprised that such a big school had time to give such individual attention to problems with our son. They knew that Ryan had been on medication(s) and was generally uncooperative with us. By mid October I felt the only way they could possibly help us was to tell them that Ryan was smoking pot. I was content that he was being watched and would be held accountable for having complete disrespect for any school rules that he might choose to break. With his life, as we knew it, crumbling I knew I had to admit that his drug use was regular, affecting his entire life, not casual or recreational but now a serious problem. I had two recommendations to the same counselor, a local addiction specialist, I called immediately. Addiction…the word I had dreaded…a word that would soon become part of our everyday lives.

Part 4 - The Decision

Heartache & Hope: The Decision What a relief to talk to someone who specialized in helping young people with drug issues. Our new counselor was very experienced in this type of work, having entered his profession with a family history of addiction. We spent a Saturday in a parent seminar gaining knowledge on drugs, addict behaviors, parental enabling and inpatient treatment options. He began seeing a reluctant Ryan and after four or five sessions he told me it was his opinion that Ryan was addicted. I met with him to discuss the options for Ryan. He was honest enough to say that Ryan’s problems were beyond his scope of therapy and he recommended inpatient treatment. I had been proactive researching military schools, therapeutic boarding schools, rehabs and wilderness programs for months just in case that was the direction we were headed. Meanwhile I was dealing with an extremely defiant son who chose to not show up at my car when I went to pick him up after school, walked out of the house was gone for hours and then finally was sneaking out at all hours of the night. When he left our home without permission and did not come home at night I would phone the police (non emergency number). Luckily we had great support from the Folsom Police who always told us it was better to call and report our juvenile child had “walked” rather than not. The few times officers talked to our son they tried to explain to Ryan that the path he was on would only get more dangerous and difficult. Making the decision to put my child in rehab at fifteen was overwhelming but I had come to terms with it. I was convinced that a short term stint in a facility was not the right option (for us); I couldn’t bring my son back to this community after a thirty or forty-five day program and expect him not to relapse. He had the best shot at being a productive member of society after being in a long term program with solid academics. I wished that military schools were a choice (because of the character development) but they didn’t take teens with drug issues. There were a great many therapeutic boarding schools, wilderness programs and “boot camp” type programs. Our medical insurance didn’t cover any program that I felt was worthwhile so I had to accept that any place we sent him would be like paying college tuition. I researched the type of therapy and counseling in these schools, their academics, and security for students, the accountability and punishment if the teen was struggling and/or not being compliant. I was lucky enough to come across an organization’s website that reports on the safety and success of treatment programs and therapeutic boarding schools. After reading some of the reports, a new worry popped into my head…”how did we know the place we sent him was going to be safe?” Obviously there were no guarantees for success but the thought of my troubled teen being punished to the point of abuse and some programs/schools having “drug undergrounds” both with students and staff only made me work harder at researching. When the possibility of sending him away was mentioned to Ryan, he was adamant that if we did this we would “only have two sons left.” I knew he couldn’t imagine the possibility; he was a boy who never even wanted to go away to summer camp. He made it very clear that if he was sent away he would either kill himself or find a way to get drugs. My statement to him was that I took all his threats seriously, if I sent him, this it would be the hardest decision I had ever made, and one that no parent wants to come face to face with. I made it clear that I wouldn’t let his threats stop whatever I thought was best for him, it was my duty as his parent. After weeks of worry and research, a good friend told me about a school in New York state that a child she knew had attended and had much success. The day I found this school was one of the many days my life changed. I felt great excitement that Ryan could attend such an incredible school even though it was so far away. Now we just had to get him there.

Part 5 - The Separation

Heartache & Hope: The Separation My husband and I were required to visit the school before admitting Ryan. It was unfortunate we had to leave our children at home over Thanksgiving but Ryan’s behavior had forced us to change our plans and send him sooner rather than later. We both left the school in tears (of joy), knowing that it was the right place for our son. This was a school focused on more than just dealing with 240 troubled kids, they were determined to build character and change lives. They provide a 12 step program, rigorous academics and major accountability in a family environment full of respect, boundaries and love. We also knew that the beautiful rural setting would be a place where our son could thrive, grow and discover himself. Ryan went willingly with the escort (we had hired) on November 26, 2007. We had prepared him for the sudden change in his life when we returned from NY; he was very anxious and fearful of what lay ahead of him. We were proud of the dignity that he showed when he left. After saying goodbye, the four of us stood in a “family hug” all sobbing, feeling the intense grief over the loss of our son and brother. We knew we were doing the right thing but nothing ever prepares you to live without your child in daily life. We had made a commitment to have him at this school for eighteen months and although I had explained to Ryan that it was just a tiny “snip” out of his life, all of a sudden it seemed like forever to us. The program required us to have no contact with him for the first 30 days so that kids can focus on adjusting to the program. I did receive updates from the school on how he was doing and that was reassuring. We knew he was in good hands and had to concentrate on our new lives here. My biggest concern was how our younger son would adjust to living without the brother he was so close to. We lived one day at a time, some were easier than others but unfortunately it was the holidays. We didn’t want to be at home for Christmas and since we have no family here we decided to head down to L.A. and stay with our older son. The warm weather and change of scenery were distractions but our hearts were with Ryan and our first family Christmas being separated. It was strange to go into his bedroom, the room we had caught him using drugs in, the room that still smelled like him, the room that now looked so empty. For weeks when I walked by his bedroom or went inside, it felt like a death had occurred. All his clothes and shoes had been sent and I had thrown out anything even remotely inappropriate, what remained were the many recent bad memories. All of a sudden I was longing for the days that I was in his room early in the morning arguing with him to get up for school. Funny how at this time our critics started to appear, and some we thought, were friends. And by friends I mean people whom I thought were sure of our character and our values. Never did I imagine that “friends” would think we had tossed our child aside because life got “a little too messy” for us. What an important opportunity for my personal growth…I had to once again embrace the Serenity prayer and realize that I could not control the thoughts and feelings of others just as I had not been able to control my child’s behavior. We would always have critics and supporters…it was important to surround ourselves and our child at home with those that embraced us and our decision. As time passed our younger son showed great strength in getting on with his life. We had guilt in taking his brother away from him and at times he was angry with us for doing so. He agreed that we had done the right thing in sending Ryan but life was not as he had wanted it to be. Luckily he had great support from his teachers and school, several hours a week of basketball and an older brother who stepped up to fill the void. Soon something else settled over our household, a feeling we were not conscious of at first, one that had not been in our lives for a long time…the feeling of peace.

Part 6 - The New Path

Heartache & Hope: The New Path Our new lives have been shaken several times since our son started his “new path.” The first few months were filled with news from the school of his acting out which included running away early this year. It was amazing that he could still send us into a “tailspin” with more than three thousand miles between us. The worry over this incident was paralyzing. It was the first test we had at letting go and allowing the school to take over. We were powerless. Luckily for all of us he was gone a matter of hours, had started walking back to school and was picked up by a teacher from his school. For months his behavior spoke volumes; he was not going to accept where he was and did not want to live without drugs. It was especially hard for me to let go and let life play out. I had been the main person caring for him for fifteen years, the past year filled with a frenzy of attempts at getting him on track. Now I was not in his daily life and had to accept my new role as a Mom living on the fringe. When my husband and I saw Ryan for the first time in March we were looking in the eyes of a different person. He had put on weight, looked healthy and greeted us with hugs and his wonderful smile. There was warmth back in his eyes and he had calm in his voice. Part of this visit was his requirement to let us in to the dark side of his past and reveal the dishonesty. It was ‘eye opening’ to say the least and only confirmed that the son we sent away for pot addiction was in the right place because he had been involved in far more than we ever could have imagined. It has been six months since he went away and we recently returned from our second visit with our two other sons. It was a heartwarming reunion for brothers who had not seen each other for many months; had missed each other’s basketball games, college graduation and family spring break trip; but it was time to form new bonds and reaffirm the love that was between them. Ryan is even taller, muscular and glowing with health and happiness. He has insight into his addictive personality, is taking responsibility and has reasons to move on with life. He is now involved in activities that give him reasons to get up in the morning and hopefully one day will give him reasons not to do drugs. We know we cannot be the reason he won’t do drugs, it has to be his choice and his commitment to make. We ride the ‘roller coaster’ much of the time, even though I don’t like heights or the fast turns! But because we are in the recovery process together we deal with the inevitable ups and downs of our family situation. We have learned to take one day at a time. Our son has to move forward and work hard at wanting a life without drugs and we have work to do in our lives. We are surrounded by support to help us understand addiction, take a look at our parenting and grow. We live in the “now” and today Ryan is safe, healthy, working on his program to remain drug-free. The future is yet to be written and the past has not been forgotten but for now we have hope. Note: In bringing you up to date, my weekly writing will end after next week. Because the story continues, I will be providing periodic updates on our journey. Next week I will close with reflection and information on help in the community.

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